My husband asked me the other day : “ Which website gets the most clicks? Google or Facebook ?” For me it was a no-brainer: Google, of course ! But no – I was wrong. Facebook is the most clicked on web address at the moment.
Which makes total sense when one takes into consideration that we as human beings are hardwired for two things: survival and connection. Brené Brown, lecturer and researcher of empathy, shame and vulnerability at the University of Houston, writes in her book.
I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power
We are wired for connection. It’s in our biology. As infants, our need for connection is about survival. As we grow older, connection means thriving – emotionally, physically, spiritually and intellectually. Connection is critical because we all have the basic need to feel accepted and to believe that we belong and are valued for who we are.
Developmental theorists all confirm and affirm the importance of the child’s experience of love and care during the first 0-18 months of life. The new born comes into a world where everything is new and strange and continuously changing: smells, sounds, colours, taste, faces and temperatures. These changes can be quite scary, unless there is one constant: mom’s caring loving face, smell and touch. If the most significant and constant caretaker is reliably and warmly available, the baby learns to trust that life is basically okay.
If the baby cannot rely on the presence of and the connection to the significant and constant caretaker, they will experience anxiety and frustration because his/her needs are not being met. Baby will learn: other people are not to be trusted. We end up with adults with a deep seated feeling of: I am not worthy of love and being taken care of and that I actually don’t have a right to be here.
And how I have seen this in my practise the last month was with a woman who discovered her husband was having an affair with a woman he met on Facebook. Husband and wife started to drift apart (there are many factors), felt disconnected from one another, and in order to “survive emotionally” the husband found another “lost and abandoned soul” on Facebook also looking for safe connection. And the rest, as they say, is history.
What is significant for me in terms of the developmental theory is the two totally opposite reactions between the wife and her parents. She is conscious about what has happened, takes responsibility for her role in the disconnection, but is totally able to forgive the husband. She has got no problem trusting him again.
Her parents on the other hand, are furious and explicitly say that they will never trust him again. With their inability to trust, they are making it very difficult for their daughter.
From a developmental theoretical background, I know the wife, as a baby 0 – 8 months, has successfully bonded with her mother. She has learned that the world is a safe place; I can trust the Universe. This was not the case with her mom and dad.
So, if you ask me: “Can a marriage survive an affair?” A lot depends on what happened to the partners in those critical first 8 to 24 months of a person’s life.
I fear for adult committed relationships when I hear of mothers going back to work when little one is only 3-4 months old. As Imago Therapist, I see them in my practise 30+ years later.
